"When I look at myself I don’t see
The man I wanted to be
Somewhere along the line I slipped off track
I’m caught movin’ one step up and two steps back"
Bruce Springsteen, "One Step Up"
Autumn has arrived in Santa Fe, with heavy monsoon rains to ring it in. Our mountains are cloud-covered and beautiful. Change is afoot and it's got me thinking.
I don't want to be caught in an endless cycle of making self-destructive mistakes, over and over again. At times in my life, though, I have found myself in this exact position: Going through the motions of life, surviving on a basic level, but not thriving. Watching myself engage in patterns of behavior that I want to change, but don't. Feeling like a rodent on a wheel, moving, but not going anywhere. I know that I'm not the only person that experiences this - I think this happens to most people at times in our lives.
Here's another pattern I have noticed in myself: When I am stuck in a pattern that is not serving me well, I have an inner voice that emerges. It's quiet at first, but slowly grows louder and louder, imposing an inner pressure to break this pattern. It can take weeks, months or years, but eventually the voice becomes too loud, the pressure too intense, to ignore. When that boiling point hits, I finally open up to change. I'm suffering badly enough from whatever needs to change that motivation arises. Once again, I'm not alone here. This is a common experience for humans.
Beaten down and lacking the tools I need, I surrender and ask for help. This means prayer. If I feel weak and powerless, I ask for will and strength. If I feel unfocused and directionless, I ask for a clear path. When I surrender and ask for help, I receive it.
Many times, however, the help I need comes in unexpected and even painful packages. For instance, If I pray for help to change a harmful health habit, my body can manifest a painful condition that forces me to make that change. I also notice that adversity and new challenges seem to arrive when I finally start really working hard to make a positive change in my life. I've felt this during particularly hard shifts, like quitting nicotine, changing my diet, or starting to exercise again.
When we humans try to break old cycles, reinvent ourselves and transform, it's as if the universe itself attempts to test our resolve, to make us prove that we're devoted to the change we try to make. If I pray for strength, I receive obstacles that force me to get stronger to overcome them. If I pray for discipline, tempting distractions arise in my path. I've seen friends approach personal challenges or try to change the world for the better be seemingly being chased by rainclouds the whole time. These situations carry the distinct feel of a cosmic joke that's hard to laugh at!
I understand this happens because our systems want stasis, want the status quo. To my system, staying the same is the safest option. It's natural for humans to both want and need change, and also resist change simultaneously. What an ironic contradiction!
When I need to move forward, and life's headwinds push me backward, or threaten to blow me off course, I remember some bits of wisdom I've learned from others along the way:
- When you are facing a journey that seems longer than you can stand, look down, and just put one foot in front of the other, and take the next step. Then, do it again, and again. After a while, take a look back - you'll be surprised how far you've gone.
- When you are absolutely overwhelmed, let whatever you do today be enough.
I'm on a journey now, facing headwinds and adversity but I know I'm moving forward. May your journeys take you forward, too. - Jeff Woodman | SFNM